


Wingman

by yourbasicbitchsusan



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bars, Calum's a mess throughout the story, Drinking, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Michael's kind of a mess in the beginning, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Smut, Unrequited Love, malum, malum au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-06-22 03:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15572748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourbasicbitchsusan/pseuds/yourbasicbitchsusan
Summary: ❝She's pretty, don't you think?❞❝A little too much... boobs.❞-or the one where Michael is just trying to be the best wingman a guy can be and get his friend laid, it kind of gets a bit weird when Calum falls in love with him.





	1. ONE

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, beauties! I've had this idea for a while also, I actually have a bunch of Malum/Cashton etc stories saved up in my drafts. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> xx, B

Calum wasn’t exactly sure how it started.

He remembers complaining to Michael about his dry spell, about he hasn’t hooked up with a girl in months and then the rest is a blur due to the tequila. Michael remembered it all though, he never seemed to forget anything, no matter how much tequila he had.

That brings the duo to the bar near their shared apartment, where things weren’t going very well for either of them. Long story short: Michael was the worst wingman alive.

Calum sighed heavily, his head resting on his palms in defeat, “Come on, Michael! I need to get laid.” He whined. He was usually very patient, but he hadn’t touched a girl for three months and while all his friends were boasting about their latest conquests, and how they found ‘the one’. And then of course, there were Ashton and Luke, the fucking soulmates. All he wanted to do was kiss someone, was that too much to ask?

Michael shrugged sheepishly, “I got it this time!” The pale boy gave his best friend an award-winning smile and a thumbs up, “You can count on me.”

Calum wouldn’t hold his breath. He pointed to a woman by the bar, sipping on what looked like vodka, looking boredly around the room, “Her, and please… Michael, please. It’s late. Just don’t mess it up for me, okay?”

His best friend gave him another thumbs up which Calum guessed was supposed to be assuring and slid over the bar, striking up a conversation with a pretty redhead. Since Michael didn’t have the quietest voice, Calum could hear him from his table and frowned in disapproval when he heard the words coming out of his wingman’s mouth.

“You see that guy over there?” Michael pointed at the tanned boy, “He’s my friend. My friend likes you! I mean, at first he thought you looked a bit weird but he settled-”

Calum tuned out at the tsunami which was that conversation and grumbled incoherently to the empty seat in front of him until he heard Michael shout out, “Incoming!”

Before he had time to prepare himself, or dodge, the redhead’s drink was flung all over him as she glared at him furiously, walking away in a huff. Michael and Calum were both soaked in vodka and all Calum could do was stare down at his shirt.

Michael spoke up cautiously, as if he was afraid Calum would go berserk, “Sorry, dude. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Calum couldn’t contain himself and ended up bursting into a fit of giggles, getting a paper towel and attempting to dry Michael’s shirt, “Maybe I should ask Luke to be my wingman.” The tanned boy joked, wiping around his best friend’s chest.

“Rotten luck there, he goes to bed at six p.m,” Michael said, joining Calum in a fit of giggles.

Little did either of them know, nights like these would be reoccurring for the months ahead, not that either of them would have minded.


	2. TWO

“Freckles?”

“Yeah, they’re cute.”

Michael had suggested to Ashton the brilliant idea of finding Calum’s ‘ideal type of woman’ but Ashton was the one who said he’d be doing a quiz. It’s been twenty minutes of his curly haired friend asking if he preferred short or tall, long eyelashes or not. It was getting ridiculous.

Ashton chewed the end of his pen, pulling it forward a little bit so it caught on his lip. They were in Ashton’s rented apartment in his kitchen, both of them sitting on the counter tops, wishing for it to be over.“Small butts?”

Calum sighed in exasperation, “Honestly, Ash. I don’t care.”

The list seemed to be never ending and Ashton just kept on ignoring him, which drove Calum to the brink of insanity over and over again. All he wanted to be doing right now was catching up on the sleep he lost last night. “Blonde?” Ashton questioned.

Calum glared at him, “I just want a girl, I don’t care about her hair colour or if she had a turtle or-”

Ashton ended up cutting him off, “Fine, fine.” He sat up and looked at Calum with such a burning intensity it startled him a little, but before Calum could ask what was wrong with him, Ashton opened his mouth, “First colour that pops in your head.”

“Why?” The tanned boy grunted in response. To which Ashton gave him a look that could make Calum do anything he wanted, Ashton was a little bossy but Calum didn’t mind particularly. Fumbling his brain, he just sprouted the first definite answer he could think of, “Uh, green.”

Looking smug, Ashton appeared to check a box on his clipboard that Calum ‘couldn’t see’ and smiled at him innocently, “Green eyes. Check.”

Having enough, Calum jumped off the counter and stuck the finger up at his friend, “Dick.” He went to Ashton’s fridge to raid it for preferably soft drink, Calum needed some energy after that trainwreck. Before Calum could ask where Ashton stores his soda stash, Luke entered the room happily; looking back and forth between the two of them with a bright smile, “Hey Calum.” He greeted as he walking into the room, making his way over to Ashton. Luke gave him a peck and joined Ashton on the counter, sitting comfortably in between his legs.

“How do you put up with him?” Calum questioned, gesturing to the curly haired boy while taking a swig of lemonade. Ashton put his hands around Luke’s shoulders and winked at Calum.

“I’m good in bed.”

Luke’s face went bright red and he squeaked as he gently hit his boyfriend on the arm. Calum’s face scrunched in disgust at the comment, “Ew.” 

After his face turned into its normal pale colour, Luke smirked slightly and said, “Well you would know, wouldn’t you?” 

Now it was Calum’s turn to go red, he squawked in protest, shaking his head rapidly, “Luke, we swore we’d never bring up what happened ever again.” The tanned boy said as he glared daggers at the pair.

Luke put his hands up in defense and giggled, “Sorry, sorry.” He turned around and whispered something into Ashton’s ear, afterwards both of them burst out in monstrous laughter, causing Calum to become more agitated, “What?”

“Do you still have a pain kink?”

Calum leaped from across the room and began slapping Ashton’s arm, it wasn’t affecting him though as he snuggled closer to his tall boyfriend and continued giggling along with him. Eventually, Calum through his hands in the air, defeated. “I hate you all,” he complained.

“Do you hate me?”

Michael stood leaning against the doorframe, clearly amused by the whole situation but he was pouting playfully, awaiting Calum’s answer. Calum rolled his eyes and patted Michael’s shoulder, “Only sometimes.” He joked.

The older boy grinned at his best friend and then at the couple with an award winning smile, “Hear that? Only sometimes; Calum loves me best!” Michael blew a kiss to Calum which the tanned boy just rolled his eyes at. Ashton and Luke were still whispering, glancing at Michael and Calum every so often. After a while, Calum grabbed Michael’s hand and led him towards the front door, “Come on, I want to get laid.”

“Your wingman is reporting for duty!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ this was a mess ]


	3. THREE

“I can’t believe you brought Luke along.”

Michael rolled his eyes as he shrugged at the tanned boy, “Ashton needed extra credit and Luke always ends up underneath him whenever they’re alone together.” He sat down at a booth and slid down so Calum could sit next to him, listening to his best friend complain.

“This is a bar, Luke’s going to hate it here,” Calum grumbled, keeping his eye on the small blonde as he spoke to Michael about him. Luke was ordering beers for them, and he was hurriedly taking out his ID to show the bartender, like some underage high school kid when in reality he was turning nineteen soon.

“He likes drinking.” Michael suggested, his tone bright and hopeful.

Calum gave him a look in return, “He’s in a straight bar and he’s attractive, he’s going to be hit on by every girl within a three centimeter radius.” The Kiwi explained, resting his chin on the palm of his hand.

“It’s okay to be jealous; it’s okay that a gay man can get more girls than you,” Michael said with a smirk.

“I’m not jealous, I’m looking out for him,” Calum grumbled, poking Michael’s cheek in an attempt to annoy the older boy.

Instead of returning with the drinks like Luke was supposed to, he was being cornered into the counter of the bar by a petite brunette. Her chest was slightly too close to his body and she was batting her eyelashes so much Calum was surprised some of them didn’t fly off. Calum threw up a hand in their direction, “See what I mean?” He said with an eye roll before he left the booth, Michael not getting up from his seat.

The girl didn’t seem to be giving up anytime soon. Her hand was on Luke’s bicep and rubbed him gently, “You got a girlfriend?” Her voice was raspy, probably in an attempt to be seductive but it came out like a croak and overall wrong.

Luke’s eyes travelled over to us with desperation as he absent mindedly said his next words, “Well, no-”

She cut him off with a high-pitched giggle, “Cool.”

Calum walked closer to the pair and grabbed his friend’s wrist, making the girl’s hand drop immediately in confusion. Luke was ecstatic, “Calum! Come to take me away?” He said with a pleading smile, his whole face was tense. It wasn’t a good look.

“Yes, there’s an emergency with your car,” Calum replied slowly. He just prayed the girl wouldn’t pick up on how obvious they were being. Neither of them were really good in awkward situations.

Luke let out a sigh of relief which he quickly covered with a cough, he walked away with Calum but not before a quick, “Nice meeting you!” to the girl who was obviously disappointed her latest ‘catch’ was leaving.

As they slid back into their booth, hoping the girl wouldn’t notice, Luke placed the beer down and bent down to Calum closely and whispered, “Is there actually something wrong with my car?”

“No.”

“Oh, good.”

Luke took a sip of his beer, “Has Michael gotten you a girl yet tonight?”

Before Calum responded, he was suddenly aware of the fact that Michael wasn’t in the booth, or in their site at all for that matter. Probably went to the bathroom, Calum thought dismissively.

“Nah, not tonight. It’s fine though, no rush,” Calum replied coolly. There really wasn’t, Calum was content hanging out at the bar with his friends for a bit right now anyway.

Luke made a face, “When was the last time you got laid?” His voice was so pitying it made Calum chuckle. “Two, three months?” The tanned boy replied, sipping his beer and welcoming the harsh, bitter taste.

“I got laid an hour ago, I don’t know how you survive.”

Calum laughed, “You have a boyfriend.” He pointed out, still smiling as he took another sip.

The bar seemed to be pretty full tonight, which was good for Calum in retrospect because he hasn’t had sex with a girl in ages. Girls flooded the assigned dance floor, spilling alcohol as they danced and giggled. Luke seemed to pick up on the opportunity and smirked at me, “I’ll take over Mike for a second. Over there, she’s attractive. Right?” Calum’s eyes followed to what the blond was gesturing at and nodded slightly, “Yeah, she’s pretty.”

And she really was, her hair was in a short bob, and she had beautiful brown eyes; and she was sitting at a small table by herself, timidly sipping on what appeared to be water. Which supposedly meant she was sober, which Calum hoped. Hooking up with girls while they were wasted wasn’t something the boy would ever consider doing.

“Go talk to her.”

Calum scowled, but it was more in confusion, “You talk to her, get her to come to me. That’s what wingmen do!” He protested.

His friend shrugged, gulping more of his beer down and then grinning at him wickedly, “I’m not your chauffeur, talk to her.”

“But Michael said-”

“She’s looking at you!”

Calum gulped and cautiously left the booth to make his way over to the girl. She smiled at him widely and Calum cleared his throat to say something, “Um, hey.” He said timidly, nervousness clouding his tone, “I’m Calum.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ this story is super boring rn whoops ]


	4. FOUR

Calum walked back to Luke’s booth and grumbled miserably, “Well, that failed.” Michael had returned and he was sitting next to Luke, laughing softly at something the blond had said before turning his attention to his best friend, “What did you do?”

Letting out a sigh of disappointment mixed with defeat, Calum muttered, “Luke said to go up to her so I did.” He explained before pointedly glaring at Luke before continuing, “And she was really cool and things were going really well.”

Looking over discreetly, the three boys attempted to scope out the girl again but discovered she wasn’t at the same table she and Calum were at but found her gone, causing Michael to urge Calum to continue the story. “I flirted with her and I leaned in and  _whoops_ , there’s her  _boyfriend_.” Calum said gloomily.

Luke let out a small giggle to which Michael hit him on the back of the head for and waited for tanned boy to go on.

“Apparently she didn’t know I was hitting on her. Her boyfriend got angry and shoved me around until I left apologizing like a mad man.” Calum buried his hands in his face, red flushing his face from embarrassment.

Michael wasn’t fazed in the slightest, “Which girl was it?”

Calum sighed and turned around to attempt to find her again, all while keeping his face covered with his hand over than one eye. Finally, he spotted her; she was at a different table, far away from Calum and his friends, and  _now_ her boyfriend sat close to her, arm slung over her shoulder. She giggled at something he said and sipped her drink. He gestured towards her with a tilt of his neck and turned his attention back to the table, picking at the food in front of him.

His best friend didn’t miss a beat, “She’s obviously here with someone. That’s why you never go to Luke, I warned you.” Michael’s voice was teasing as he ruffled the blond’s hair but Calum’s attention perked up and he replied sharply with, “How can you tell she was here with someone?”

Michael giggled and nodded over towards her, “Okay, watch her boyfriend get up. I can still tell she’s taken, can’t you see it?” Luke and Calum stared at him blankly causing Michael to roll his eyes, “She’s sitting down, barely drinking. That’s a large plate of food and she’s only picking at it which suggests someone else ordered and she isn’t that hungry. Simple.”

Calum just stared at the boy in amazement while Luke abruptly said with a chuckle, “How much Sherlock have you been fucking watching?” He joked, grabbing a chip from the middle of the table and putting it in his mouth.

“Also there’s an engagement ring on her finger.”

“ _What_?” Luke and Calum screeched together, Luke was so surprised he began choking on his food.

Calum recovered and stared at the girl he was talking with -  _Hannah_ , he remembered - and swatted Luke on the arm, “Luke! How didn’t you see the ring?”

Luke gaped at his friend, “Me? You were talking to her for twenty minutes!”

Michael kept giggling at his friend’s banter and ate chips as he watched Calum glare at the blond. Calum swatted Luke again for good measure and looked at Hannah again, feeling more of an idiot than before.

The blond boy rubbed his shoulder with a pout, glaring at Calum and Michael, “I hate you guys, I miss Ashton.” He whined, resting his head on his palm.

Michael rolled his eyes again, something he was notorious for doing tonight and clapped Luke on the back, “Stop being a party pooper, we need to get our boy laid!” He cheered, downing the rest of his beer and smiling widely at his best friend.

“You don’t  _have to_ ,” Calum protested.

Michael waved a hand dismissively, “Nonsense! Let’s make a pact. Hand in, Calum -  _Not you, Luke_! - I swear that I will go out every night with you until I finally find you a girl that goes home with you.” And to Calum’s surprise, Michael seemed to be serious. Both of their hands were together and the tanned boy just kept staring at the older boy in wonder, returning his smile warily.

“Every night?”

“You got it, buddy. That’s kind of the friend I am.”

Calum grinned widely, he couldn’t help it. Michael just made him happy, happier than any of his friends, happier than anyone really. He licked his upper lip and jumped out of the seat, retracting his hand, “Whatever, I’m getting another round.”

What Calum didn’t know was that Michael stayed true to that pact for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ okay i know this isn't my most popular story but this is my guilty pleasure, sorry not sorry ( bc i'm malum asf ) ]

**Author's Note:**

> [ let me know what you think! ]


End file.
